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Weeping for my Father and Poh Poh

6/3/2019

Hello! I want to share with you a very personal journey I've been going through these past few months plus some great learnings that have helped me tremendously. I haven't been ready to share, it's been far too raw for me, but today on my 42nd birthday and seeing more grey weaving through my hair, I'm ready.

Grief.

In early March after the crazy weird snow storms, my Dad sprouted his wings earlier than he wanted by what seemed like a feral form of cancer. He died just a few weeks before his 69th birthday with a Bucket List still full and so many more things to say. He died mute as his cancer grew from his kidney and bones to his throat and mouth. I had the great honor of being with him for twelve days in hospice; some of the most beautiful moments I've ever shared with him, with anyone (!) - in total quiet. Our relationship until then was only tumultuous at best with 18 years of estrangement. In the end, unexpected beauty and grace, and now, radiant LOVE.

More grief.

And further: my Poh Poh (Chinese word for maternal Grandmother) died just yesterday morning. An amazing 90 years of great life, she immigrated from mainland China fleeing communism with my Mother, then 2 years old tied to her back. She lead a beautiful and full life; on her death bed tucked in peacefully by her four devoted children. Her childhood dream was to become a teacher, but the War banished that and she spent her life working in the family laundry business with her husband. She was a quiet, fierce woman, strong, determined, highly self-motivated (Tai Chi every morning until just last week!), and majestically graceful. We've known of her illness since January and watched her walk toward her death ever so gracefully. As she lay still just a few days ago, I've never seen a more strikingly beautiful woman. She died in a way I aspire to when my time comes. For me, she was a great teacher, even as she crossed back over welcomed greatly by her husband.

Voyaging Grief.

I've been walking Grief for the past few months and I'd love to share my Top 4 Tips that have been immensely helpful along my journey. I'm intentionally using the number FOUR here because in Chinese, the number FOUR it's a VERY unlucky number, as it means death is near. I'm never supposed to use that number. Well!! Death has come so let's roll with FOUR!! Perhaps some of these ideas may help you along your path, or give you inspiration, if you've lost someone very dear to you.

Boost your immune system: The first few days after Dad died were the most severe; it felt like a truck dragged me a few miles over stones with body aches, fever, and lethargy. It was so severe (I never read of Grief being THAT bad) that it dawned on me that I had actually also caught the FLU. Grief lowers your immune system, holy moly.
Therapy. Therapy has been immensely helpful for me to keep the energy of Grief moving. For me, some of the most profound healing has been since the time Dad died and being able to deeply heal our relationship. If you've been in session with me, you'll recognize the language that we all have Parts to our collective Self, i.e our younger parts, our teenage parts, our rageful or managerial parts etc. Well, in Grief, our Parts also grieve. The young Part whom didn't get what they needed from their parent may have BIG GRIEF and need a place to heal those old wounds. Even if the person we're grieving has died, they can STILL play an *active* role in our healing process through their Spirit. YES. Yes. Yes they can. It can be the most profound and nourishing time together and they can become a beacon of light to us while we're still in body form. This is happening for me now. It's Wild. It's amazing and so awesome.
Grief needs a container. My grief was leaking all over the place: driving, preschool pick up, grocery shopping. Weeping. And while that is totally ok and expected, it also helps to create a reliable container for Grief. Grief wants and needs time and attention. Of course, you can sweep that big ol' Grief Ball under a rug, but your rug may be bumpy and grumpy, and well, Grief will still be there albeit a bit walked on. For me, it has been immensely helpful to create a beautiful container for my Grief. My container looks like this: The days/weeks after Dad died, I spent EVERY MORNING honoring and talking with my father while sipping a cuppa joe from his coffee mug. We both love coffee (now I'm decaf but that's another post). Some days I needed to do this a few times, other days just once. I let whatever feelings come up and sit with them for awhile. Some days huge feelings came up, other days it's just a sweet, "Hey Dad, I miss ya!" I also have a picture of us that I keep in my journal as I talk with him. It's our sweet time together. If I skip a few days, I notice bigger Grief feelings coming back reminding me that I need to get back to my container. Grief NEEDS a reliable container and I've found it's a beautiful time to spend honoring your time together, their life, and to say whatever that needed to be said that couldn't be said. It doesn't have to be all peaches either. Tell them as it is!! THEY ARE LISTENING and it's OK. They can take it, they're dead for goodness sake. Joking aside, just be real. I look forward to creating a container with my Poh Poh and Gung Gung (my mother's parents) and I have yet to set this up, but with such fond sweetness that I already think of them.
Lean in and seek comfort. Share with your friends, family, a therapist, or someone you deeply trust, what you're going through. You don't have to fake being ok. You're sooooo not ok and that's toooootally ok. You may look a million years old. That's ok!! If you were ok after your Dad died, or whomever you deeply loved, that would cause some serious worry!! Be brave. Tell your friends what you need. Ask for help. Lean in. You are not alone and don't have to be alone in your journey. Your journey is not a burden. Seek nourishment and comfort. I love to read and found a myriad of books that helped me before my Dad died. In fact, thanks to Facebook, a memory came up showed me EXACTLY ONE YEAR PRIOR to my Dad's death, I went on a "read-about-dying-marathon." GASP! Yup, somehow even a year ago, I was preparing for what I didn't even know. Crazy. I posted my favorite books about dying/death/grief on my website if you'd like to find new inspiration.

So, there is all is. My journey + FOUR tips on Voyaging Grief. I hope some of these ideas help you if you find yourself navigating the big waters of Grief. I'd love to hear what's worked for you; feel free to leave a comment or send a note. I read everything.

It's already been a big year and am so grateful for the opportunity to be here, learn, grow, heal, laugh and share with you. Grief is great love, and while it's been hard, painful and searing at times, it's also been a wild and awesome ride.

In great love with so many tissues,
Jendi

Hangin' with Dad and his favorite coffee mug, one month before he died.
Feb 2019 @ his house, NV

4 Generations (left to right): my Mother, my 1st daughter, Poh Poh and myself.
Spring 2012 @ Dim Sum, Seattle, WA

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Honoring The Mother Line: Look Where We've Come From!

5/12/2019

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Hello!

I have been quiet for a few months as big things have been happening (will tell you more soon), but as I deepen my own journey it has becomes so clear and important to honor and hold gratitude for my ancestors whom have walked before me.

Today, in our culture it's Mother's Day, and today, I want to honor the Mother Line. Mother. Grandmother. Great-Grandmother, and so on. I offer a thought:

However our Mothers walked.
Hold honor.
However they walked with you, or did not walk with you, or walked in a way that was hurtful or painful.
Hold gratitude.
To honor the gift of life they have given.
Is profound.
However they were in their own story.
Perils.
They gave the gift of life.
Your life.
Isn't that amazing!

* * *

Today, perhaps in wonder, we can ask...how was Motherhood for them? What were their dreams? Their struggles? What made them glow? How did they love? If you have the opportunity and are curious, you can ask them. Even if they're not with you today in their physical body or they simply can't hear you, you can still ask in a quiet way. They are listening, even if you believe they can't. Because mostly, you are listening and this is the greatest gift.

* * *

Before I close, I want this share this beautiful snippet from Thich Nhat Hanh after this mother crossed over:

Wishing you a day of wonder, gratitude and the million other ways you may be feeling today...confusion, ambiguity, or pissed off and angry? Do it! But please rock it with compassion and curiosity. Want to know how or feel stuck? I've got your back and a millions others do too.

With gratitude and great love,
Jendi

Four Generations!
Starting on the left: my mother, my first daughter, my Poh Poh (mother's mother) and moi! This was from 2011 and I need an updated photo!

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Anger...a love story?

2/21/2019

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Yes. It. Is. ANGER is great love. And beautiful. Coach Izzy said, "WHAT? Beautiful?!

Check out our chat here!

Yes! I had a blast talking with Counterstrain Therapist Coach Izzy about the benefit of expressing anger in a healthy way!

I loved sharing our experiences in each of our practices and how we see the persistent damage of suppressed emotions. Coach Izzy is a Counterstrain practitioner with Healing and Strength and is a master in the pain management field. He explains that while he can release pain in the physical body, if the root of the pain is suppressed feelings (especially Anger), the pain will come back - usually magnified. He likened this type of treatment as "patching a tire with chewing gum."

In a Hakomi practice, we honor the body+mind+spirit connection and can help with persistent body pain. If we habitually suppress our emotions, this can manifest in physical pain, weakened posture, digestions, suppressed immunity, illness and disease.

This is the great gift of a Hakomi practice to where you learn to honor your body, your emotions, and learn to lead from your Wise Self.

Come check out our talk! I hope you enjoy our chat as much as I did!

Love,
Jendi

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If you're curious about exploring the emotion Anger or just need a little support, feel free to drop me a line. I'd love to walk beside you and share the gold nuggets I've found along my own journey. Perhaps you feel like your Anger is too big, or the emotion is scary/destructive, or "you just ain't gonna do it." I'd be delighted to support you along the way.

You're also invited to a 3-part series workshop on February 26, 2019: Anger a love story if you'd like to journey along-side other women.

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Weeping for my Father and Poh Poh

Honoring The Mother Line: Look Where We've Come From!

Anger...a love story?

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Weeping for my Father and Poh Poh

Honoring The Mother Line: Look Where We've Come From!

Anger...a love story?

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