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#yearofmanyfirsts

6/16/2019

This is me and my daddy-o a long time ago. Those cheeks of mine were always pinched. I can still feel the Chinese elders' fingers who would squeeze them so tight. Grr! For fuck's sake: Don't pinch kids' cheeks! #handstoyourself

It’s my first Father’s Day without Dad. Such a funny day, these holidays. Sweet feelings. Hard feelings. All the in-betweens. It’s AMAZING how we all journey on after Big Things that happen in our lives. But here I am and here we all are. Aren’t we amazing!!! #highfives #grief #wildride #lovewins

And today when I looked up from my garden, I kid you NOT, but saw a rainbow around the sun. WHAT?!!! Yup!! It's called a Sun Halo #thankyougoogle and it's caused by thin cirrus clouds drifting high above your head ablaze with tiny ice crystals in Earth's atmosphere. All this causes light refraction. WHAT?! I call it a wink from Heaven. #thankyoudad

Today I also greatly honor my dear husband: his sweet tender ways with our two girls, his love for great details in all things beautiful, the way he teaches our girls to show their pythons, the way he swirls eggs for breakfast and mostly his constant blazing ways of being totally here for us. We are so very blessed by him daily.

Cheers to you however you land on this Father's Day whether it's a day of joy, sadness, a very fine mix of both, or it's-just-so-very-complicated. Yup. Yup. I hear you. I see you. It's all welcome. However you are today, I honor you for showing up, just as you are. And thank you to Janet for the very #perfecthashtag today. #nailedit

Blessings always,
Jendi

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Weeping for my Father and Poh Poh

6/3/2019

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Hello! I want to share with you a very personal journey I've been going through these past few months plus some great learnings that have helped me tremendously. I haven't been ready to share, it's been far too raw for me, but today on my 42nd birthday and seeing more grey weaving through my hair, I'm ready.

Grief.

In early March after the crazy weird snow storms, my Dad sprouted his wings earlier than he wanted by what seemed like a feral form of cancer. He died just a few weeks before his 69th birthday with a Bucket List still full and so many more things to say. He died mute as his cancer grew from his kidney and bones to his throat and mouth. I had the great honor of being with him for twelve days in hospice; some of the most beautiful moments I've ever shared with him, with anyone (!) - in total quiet. Our relationship until then was only tumultuous at best with 18 years of estrangement. In the end, unexpected beauty and grace, and now, radiant LOVE.

More grief.

And further: my Poh Poh (Chinese word for maternal Grandmother) died just yesterday morning. An amazing 90 years of great life, she immigrated from mainland China fleeing communism with my Mother, then 2 years old tied to her back. She lead a beautiful and full life; on her death bed tucked in peacefully by her four devoted children. Her childhood dream was to become a teacher, but the War banished that and she spent her life working in the family laundry business with her husband. She was a quiet, fierce woman, strong, determined, highly self-motivated (Tai Chi every morning until just last week!), and majestically graceful. We've known of her illness since January and watched her walk toward her death ever so gracefully. As she lay still just a few days ago, I've never seen a more strikingly beautiful woman. She died in a way I aspire to when my time comes. For me, she was a great teacher, even as she crossed back over welcomed greatly by her husband.

Voyaging Grief.

I've been walking Grief for the past few months and I'd love to share my Top 4 Tips that have been immensely helpful along my journey. I'm intentionally using the number FOUR here because in Chinese, the number FOUR it's a VERY unlucky number, as it means death is near. I'm never supposed to use that number. Well!! Death has come so let's roll with FOUR!! Perhaps some of these ideas may help you along your path, or give you inspiration, if you've lost someone very dear to you.

Boost your immune system: The first few days after Dad died were the most severe; it felt like a truck dragged me a few miles over stones with body aches, fever, and lethargy. It was so severe (I never read of Grief being THAT bad) that it dawned on me that I had actually also caught the FLU. Grief lowers your immune system, holy moly.
Therapy. Therapy has been immensely helpful for me to keep the energy of Grief moving. For me, some of the most profound healing has been since the time Dad died and being able to deeply heal our relationship. If you've been in session with me, you'll recognize the language that we all have Parts to our collective Self, i.e our younger parts, our teenage parts, our rageful or managerial parts etc. Well, in Grief, our Parts also grieve. The young Part whom didn't get what they needed from their parent may have BIG GRIEF and need a place to heal those old wounds. Even if the person we're grieving has died, they can STILL play an *active* role in our healing process through their Spirit. YES. Yes. Yes they can. It can be the most profound and nourishing time together and they can become a beacon of light to us while we're still in body form. This is happening for me now. It's Wild. It's amazing and so awesome.
Grief needs a container. My grief was leaking all over the place: driving, preschool pick up, grocery shopping. Weeping. And while that is totally ok and expected, it also helps to create a reliable container for Grief. Grief wants and needs time and attention. Of course, you can sweep that big ol' Grief Ball under a rug, but your rug may be bumpy and grumpy, and well, Grief will still be there albeit a bit walked on. For me, it has been immensely helpful to create a beautiful container for my Grief. My container looks like this: The days/weeks after Dad died, I spent EVERY MORNING honoring and talking with my father while sipping a cuppa joe from his coffee mug. We both love coffee (now I'm decaf but that's another post). Some days I needed to do this a few times, other days just once. I let whatever feelings come up and sit with them for awhile. Some days huge feelings came up, other days it's just a sweet, "Hey Dad, I miss ya!" I also have a picture of us that I keep in my journal as I talk with him. It's our sweet time together. If I skip a few days, I notice bigger Grief feelings coming back reminding me that I need to get back to my container. Grief NEEDS a reliable container and I've found it's a beautiful time to spend honoring your time together, their life, and to say whatever that needed to be said that couldn't be said. It doesn't have to be all peaches either. Tell them as it is!! THEY ARE LISTENING and it's OK. They can take it, they're dead for goodness sake. Joking aside, just be real. I look forward to creating a container with my Poh Poh and Gung Gung (my mother's parents) and I have yet to set this up, but with such fond sweetness that I already think of them.
Lean in and seek comfort. Share with your friends, family, a therapist, or someone you deeply trust, what you're going through. You don't have to fake being ok. You're sooooo not ok and that's toooootally ok. You may look a million years old. That's ok!! If you were ok after your Dad died, or whomever you deeply loved, that would cause some serious worry!! Be brave. Tell your friends what you need. Ask for help. Lean in. You are not alone and don't have to be alone in your journey. Your journey is not a burden. Seek nourishment and comfort. I love to read and found a myriad of books that helped me before my Dad died. In fact, thanks to Facebook, a memory came up showed me EXACTLY ONE YEAR PRIOR to my Dad's death, I went on a "read-about-dying-marathon." GASP! Yup, somehow even a year ago, I was preparing for what I didn't even know. Crazy. I posted my favorite books about dying/death/grief on my website if you'd like to find new inspiration.

So, there is all is. My journey + FOUR tips on Voyaging Grief. I hope some of these ideas help you if you find yourself navigating the big waters of Grief. I'd love to hear what's worked for you; feel free to leave a comment or send a note. I read everything.

It's already been a big year and am so grateful for the opportunity to be here, learn, grow, heal, laugh and share with you. Grief is great love, and while it's been hard, painful and searing at times, it's also been a wild and awesome ride.

In great love with so many tissues,
Jendi

Hangin' with Dad and his favorite coffee mug, one month before he died.
Feb 2019 @ his house, NV

4 Generations (left to right): my Mother, my 1st daughter, Poh Poh and myself.
Spring 2012 @ Dim Sum, Seattle, WA

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#yearofmanyfirsts

Weeping for my Father and Poh Poh

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#yearofmanyfirsts

Weeping for my Father and Poh Poh

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my words